Troubles in Gymnastics Class

Urg, I am having a rough time with my favorite 3 year old. I feel so helpless sometimes, trying to figure out what to do when he acts out.

He started a "big kid" gymnastics class last month. Instead of me being in the class with him, I sit on the bleachers and observe. The first class went so well! Here he is with one of his coaches on the balance beam:

It's been downhill since that class. He's been throwing tantrums, picking up items and throwing them and kids, and hitting other children! The worst part is, when he does it, he looks right at me. I know he's testing to see what happens. Although I want the coaches to be in charge, I also don't want to make them figure out what to do with a child who is hitting other kids. When he hits or throws things, I intervene and put him in time out. That causes him to cry, and then he is a helpless case for his coaches the rest of class. He's had four classes now, and we've left two of them within the first ten minutes because he just breaks down, throws a tantrum, and throws things at other kids. I'm trying to be consistent: If he is going to act out and throw things, then he gets a time out. If he keeps it up, then we have to leave. He loves gymnastics class (we'd done the parent-tot one for a while), and cries the whole way home because "he lost it." Yet, as soon as we get back to this class, he's up to the same behavior. I keep telling myself my consistency will pay off, but I'm disheartened.

The Story of the Starbucks Troublemakers

My husband made that flyer for the Starbucks crew on Florida & Kipling. After work, he took Oliver to go tell them he was sorry, and they left the flyer and a tip for the crew.

Here's the full story:

Parenting 101

I used to think how lucky Oliver was to have parents as patient and loving as Andrew and me. He's been a very high-maintenance baby from the moment he was born. Lately, though, I've started to realize how fortunate we are that Oliver is as demanding as he is because it's forced us to learn to be parents.

Oliver started throwing his first tantrums a few months ago. In the last few weeks, they've gotten more extreme. He throws himself to the ground when he's upset, and if he still doesn't get what he wants, he starts throwing anything near him. Saturday morning, Andrew and I were completely miserable because Oliver wouldn't stop screaming unless one of us picked him up.

I realized that Andrew and I weren't the only ones unhappy. There's no way Oliver could be happy by spending his days throwing fits. So, if Andrew and I were not enjoying his company, and Oliver wasn't having a good time either, then we were failing him. The thing is, it's very easy to give him what he wants. It's very hard to not carry him around all the time when I know that's the one thing he wants from me. I told Andrew that we needed to draw a line in the sand. We had to start being tough with him. That sounds so cruel, knowing Oliver's just 12 months old. Still, the three of us did not deserve to be miserable!

For the rest of Saturday, we worked on not picking him up all the time. We insisted he sit on the floor to play games with us. At first, every time we put him on the floor, he started screaming. It was very hard to see him get hysterical, but we were persistent. We said firmly, "Uh-uh!" And when he kept it up, we ignored him completely and just talked to each other. Eventually (and it took a long, long time... over an hour...), Oliver stopped crying. We turned our attention to him and started to pick up toys, but the moment we gave him our attention, he started yelling and crying again, trying to get us to pick him up. This went on for the remainder of the morning and afternoon. By evening, though, there was already a lot of improvement. Andrew and I were relieved to see him play with his toys with us, play peek-a-boo, and crawl to get to things on his own again. Andrew and I were happy to be able to talk to each other, talk to Oliver, and play with Oliver. It was nice being a family.

Honestly, it felt so good that it worked. Had it not worked, I don't know what we'd do! The next morning (Sunday), Andrew and I had to start all over again. This time, it didn't take very long (less than an hour), and then Oliver transformed into a happy, interactive baby again. We gave him all the attention he wanted when he was out of our arms and not throwing a tantrum; we gave him little attention when we were carrying him and almost no attention at all when he was screaming/crying/whining.

Being firm with Oliver is the hardest thing I've ever done. Realizing that, I also realized how lucky we are that our first child has been this difficult. If he was easy-going, we would never have learned to be parents to Oliver. We would never have had to learn how to be firm and set limits. That wouldn't have been good for him.

This week has been much easier and so, so, so much more fun for me. It's very nice to be able to play games with Oliver or just watch him play while being nearby.

I'm not saying he never whines anymore. I am saying that it's not all the time, and it's much, much less frequent. I'm also saying that Andrew, Oliver and I are much happier, and I hope to never see the stress of these last few weeks again!

Our Little Tantrum Thrower

Oliver started throwing tantrums a few months ago. Thankfully, they were very short little scream fests that lasted about a minute (at the longest). Very recently, however, his tantrums have escalated. When he gets mad, he stretches out onto the floor and starts screaming and/or sobbing. They last indefinitely (yesterday, for example, was one long tantrum).

Yesterday was especially difficult for two reasons. One, Oliver wouldn't nap, so I couldn't get a break from said tantrum. Two, he threw his first public tantrum (OK, it was two). When Oliver refused to nap, I decided that I'd at least get my errands done. We went to the store. He did well there, pointing out various items so I could tell them what they were ("cookies!" "apples!" "ice cream!"). At check out, the lady behind us set down her box of mixed nuts. Oliver tried to hurl himself out of the cart to get to them. I tried to keep it light-hearted ("No, Oliver. No. Those aren't for us. They're a choking hazard!"). Within a few seconds, though, he started to whine. I pulled him out of the cart, hoping to prevent the upcoming tantrum. It didn't work. He started screaming and pointing at the nuts. It was a relief when a new check-out clerk came, and the lady behind me went to the other lane. As I went up to pay, though, Oliver started his tantrum all over again because he wanted my wallet. Sigh.

Oliver's tantrums aren't as severe with Andrew. When it's just them, Oliver might start to whine or yell, but Andrew says, "uh-uh," and Oliver typically stops. With me, I'll say, "uh-uh," and Oliver just screams louder. He'll point to me (indicating he wants me to pick him up) and scream until he's hoarse. I'll say, "uh-uh," and even walk away, but it doesn't help. He'll scream himself raw for half an hour. At that point, I don't know what to do. How upset do I let him get? How long do I let him scream and cry for?

I know I'm not supposed to give in to his tantrums. I know I'm not supposed to reward his tantrums. We talked to the doctor about tantrums a little bit at his 12-month well visit, but all she really said was that it's important not to give into tantrums because they'll just escalate and get worse as he gets older.

Andrew tried to talk to some people at work about tantrums. They just basically told him they "wait them out." I guess the message is consistant, but, really, how long can I let my 12-month-old cry and scream for? This morning, I vowed to be strong. Every time he started screaming and crying, I said, "Uh-uh, we don't throw tantrums," and I walked away. He continued to scream and cry. When there was even a 5 second lull in the cries, I'd walk over and say happily, "Are you done?" and reach out to pick him up. He'd start screaming, and so I'd say, "Uh-uh, we don't throw tantrums," and I walked away. This lasted about 30 minutes. I felt like a terrible mother for letting him scream himself hoarse. At this point, his voice was raw, and he was saying, "Mamamamamama." Not knowing what to do, I waited until he paused his crying to breathe, and then I picked him up and soothed him, pretending like his tantrum was over. I said, "Good boy. See, we don't cry."

I'm worried all I did was teach him to get more upset. I don't know. I want to be a good mother to him, and I want to guide him into his childhood years so he can become a little boy who doesn't need to throw a fit to get what he wants, who can communicate effectively, and who can calm himself. However, I also want him to know he's loved and to know his parents will always be there for him.

Oliver throws his tantrums for two reasons. The first is when he can't do something. For example, he threw a tantrum today because he wasn't able to turn the dial on the washing machine. He also threw a tantrum when he couldn't get the lid on perfectly on his toy cookie jar. The second reason he throws tantrums is for me to hold him. For example, this morning, I held him as I brewed coffee and toasted his morning waffle. I held him as I wiped the counter tops and pulled out his high chair. The moment I set him down, though, to change the paper towel roll, he started screaming. When I'm around, he wants to be held all the time. Sometimes, he does this specific thing: I'm holding him, and he "dive-bombs" out of my arms, reaching to the ground. I set him down. He reaches up to me and starts screaming. I pick him up, he stops screaming, and then he tries to dive out of my arms again. It's not logical (I think to myself, "Which is it? Do you want up or down?"), but I know he's 12-months old and isn't a logical person yet. Still, it's frustrating for me when I know there's no solution to that problem.

Have any of you guys had tantrum-throwers? I know some kids throw more tantrums than others (I was a big tantrum thrower as a toddler. My mom would have to close the door, and I'd pull out all the clothes out of my drawers and throw them around the room, screaming, and throw furniture!). I'm really hoping someone out there has advice for a very young tantrum thrower.